First, a warning: This article references Juggalos and the Insane Clown Posse. If you do not know what either of those things are, do not ready any further. Learning about Juggalos will shake your faith in humanity and will most likely plunge you into a deep despair from which you can never emerge. If you are unaware, stay that way, some things you cannot un-see.
So, Juggalos, how’s it going? I see that the Gathering of the Juggalos is happening this week, that looks like
Cholera The World’s Largest Port-a-potty fun. I hope you enjoy your time at the concert while you are there, though it can be rather pricey. I am sure you were financially responsible and have been saving up for months for your sojourn. So if you have, please get a vasectomy enjoy yourself, wear your face paint with pride, and enjoy the melodic sounds of the Insane Clown Posse. I even went to instagram and found some of your photos and it looks like you are in the kind of movie that even the mere possession of would get you arrested in all fifty states having a wonderful time! I particularly think these photos are the best:
Now, I hate to be a buzzkill but once you get back you will have to deal with your finances. I’m going to guess as a Juggalo, you are not employed and your job prospects are about as good as those of a convicted murderer. You’ve had some bad luck and made
several some bad decisions and now you need help. You may have considered filing bankruptcy in the past but thought it was just to expensive. Well today is your lucky day Juggalo, I’ve got a deal for you.
Because I cannot fathom how or why someone would become a Juggalo, I will give you 20% off the filing of your next bankruptcy. Hey, I’ll even sweeten the deal, if you promise to wear full Juggalo face paint to your meeting of creditors, and at the end of the meeting douse the trustee in faygo while screaming “Juggalo 4 Life” I will do your bankruptcy for FREE!
It takes a lot of
drugs gumption to dress like a moron Juggalo and listen to music so bad it makes me envy the deaf the Insane Clown Posse, and I salute you. You have eschewed social mores about personal hygiene, dental hygiene, pretty much any kind of hygiene, music and clothing and for that I pray you don’t reproduce salute you.
You need a bankruptcy attorney who understands Juggalo life, you need a bankruptcy attorney who doesn’t judge you, you need a bankruptcy attorney who pretends to not notice that you are a grown man wearing face paint out in public — You need us.
So enjoy the rest of your festival Juggalos, I’ll be here to talk when you get back.